We had the chance to talk with Mariko Gray about her music, her many talents, and her interesting thoughts and ideas on a variety of topics. Our conversation offered a glimpse into her artistic world and the creativity that drives her.
Reuel
Hello Mariko! How are you doing today?
Mariko
I’m surviving! But it’s been hot and muggy in Sydney, which means waking up earlier than should be legal to walk my snow dog before the sun comes to melt us both haha. So I’m chronically tired and somehow always managing to make myself busier than I should be too… did I mention I can ramble forever?? 😀
Reuel
It’s cold and snowy here so I wish I can take some of your heat! You’re a person of many talents! How would you introduce yourself to readers who may not know you yet?
Mariko
The short version would be “Musician. Artist. Madwoman.” I’m a very chaotic creative. I probably have my biggest audience on YouTube where I can never decide what sort of videos I’m going to make, whether that’s vocal covers, alt fashion reviews, or just long-winded rambles about whatever, but surprisingly a lot of people like that, so I keep going because no one can stop me! More locally, I’m better known as the vocalist (and sometimes also violinist) of past metal bands Wintergaunt, Rainbow Death Ray, and A.D.Destroyer, plus my current industrial solo project performing as DestroyerMariko.
Other than that, I’ve been getting more serious about my visual art practice lately, and I’ve also worked as a bonsai artist and teacher although I now only work on my own ridiculous number of plants. And I’ve dabbled in many other areas over the years, like scare acting and demonic voice work which are both heaps fun!I really am all over the place, which might explain why I LOVE dualities. On the one hand I’m into aggressive music genres like metal, but then I’ll turn around and go all zen pruning a tree for a few quiet hours. My voice is like that too, I grew up being fed classical music by my grandparents so I have a very girly high pitched clean singing voice… but then of course I went and learned how to death growl too!
Reuel
You explore many forms of art, from music to visual arts. Is there a medium you haven’t tried yet but would love to experiment with?
Mariko
I wish I had the strength and endurance for something hardcore like stone carving! I’ve been fascinated by the philosophy of Ancient Egypt for a long time, how they preserved their stories in stone and believed that remembering and speaking the names of the dead would help them live forever, and in a way it worked, because we still know who they were. I’ve gone through a lot of existential angst in my life – what’s the point of it all, we’re all just going to die eventually anyway, how our lives are just a blip in the expanse of eternity… but even though nothing lasts forever, something about that attempt to preserve the memory of oneself has seemed really attractive to me. Maybe my life is pointless, but you never know what you could contribute in the things you leave behind. It’s one of the ideas that helped me get through that aspect of depression in the past. Alas, my arms are far too flimsy, I’m not even sure how I’d go with modern electric tools to be honest! I’m probably better off trying something smaller, like metal engraving.
Reuel
Most recently you released a new single called “Fade”. What inspired you to write this song?
Mariko
The original version of “Fade” was written in 2020 during lockdown, which happened right after I’d joined a black metal fusion band, thanks a lot, covid!! You can hear the original metal demo on my Bandcamp alongside my final industrial version, thanks to guitarist Henry Decrier who wrote the original instrumental. Usually when someone gives me a track to write vocals to, I’ll find out what I can about their ideas and intentions for the song and work something around it, so that I capture what they had in mind while also expressing my own ideas. In this case I had the working title “Fade”, the general vibe of the track, and a couple of songs from the band Oathbreaker as one of the influences for what the band wanted in their vocals. I’d recovered from one of my worst episodes of depression by then, so I poured a lot of that into the lyrics – the darkness, and the fading away of everything that should be enjoyable or motivating in life; but also the process of recovery, getting through the feeling that it’ll last forever, and being kind to yourself and knowing when to rest. I also drew from the vocal contrasts of Oathbreaker and made this the first song I’ve written where I really made use of the extremes of my voice, both the high cleans, and the unhinged screams. When the band fell apart, I kept those lyrics on file, and tried to revive them with a few more collaborators over the years, but nothing much came of it.
In the end, I came up with my own take on the song, and then sat on it for a couple of years telling myself I really ought to re-record the vocals before I released it. Then my soul dog passed away, and I’m sorry to get super dark, but I honestly almost followed him. It took most of 2024, a new puppy, and a lot of therapy and soul searching to finally get my head more stable again, and actually better than I’ve been in a long while too. That’s when I decided nah, I’ll keep my original demo vocal take and just DIY mix and master, and get it out there all raw and emotional. I have a real problem with perfectionism, but 2020 is also tied up with one of my soul dog’s many medical crises, so I used that connection as my mental excuse to stop procrastinating and keep my first take. I then released it on the anniversary of his passing, to remember him, everything we went through, and all the pain of losing him and trying to find my feet again in the aftermath. And it helped.
So long story short, the song started out just being about depression, but now it’s also tied into grief and mourning for me, and a whole journey of mental illness in between. I could honestly write a whole essay about it, if this isn’t one already haha! But I also want the listener to take whatever they need from it. I kept the lyrics nonspecific for that reason.
Reuel
Wow! Thank you for sharing. Now this song has an extra layer to it knowing all this. Do you have any plans for new releases that you’d like to tell us about?
Mariko
Nothing concrete at this stage, but being the chaotic creature that I am, there’s a lot of stuff in the works. I’ve been writing a new song with some elements I haven’t used before, but I also have a huge stash of lyrics from projects that didn’t go ahead and auditions I was rejected from that I’ve been wanting to convert to my style for ages. I’m also still hopeful about getting back into the metal scene with a band again, but working with other people means I don’t really have control over when or whether that goes ahead, unless I go into full band-mum mode again but I’m trying to avoid the burnout and resulting depression that comes from that bad habit, so unfortunately things have been slower going with a lot more setbacks than I would have liked.
Reuel
If you could swap lives with any musician for a day, who would it be and what would you do?
Mariko
Ooh I’m sorry, I’m going to completely miss the point of this question haha! Honestly, I just wouldn’t do it. For one thing, I would just never subject anyone to the misery I’ve had in my life! If we’re talking about an actual swap, that means whoever I pick gets stuck being me, and while a lot of other people in the world obviously have it worse than I do, I still just couldn’t make anyone deal with the despair and mental illness and other struggles that I’ve dealt with in my life.
Which brings me to my next issue – sure I could pick someone, but we don’t ever really know what they’re dealing with behind the scenes either! Not just in terms of their struggles, but what sort of person they are behind whatever image they’ve created. What if I picked someone who turns out to be downright nasty? What if that’s how they got their success? There’s a lot of hard working, talented people out there who are absolutely genuine and great people and deserving of everything they have. But there are also those you’d never suspect where it turns out to all just be an act, until one day it explodes into a massive social media drama. Is that paranoid of me?
But I guess that brings me to my final reason for not wanting this, which comes from a more specific aspect of my mental illness that makes it pretty much impossible for me to have heroes. I can get inspiration from others and appreciate their talent, but heroes, yeah nah… As well as depression, I have Schizoid Personality Disorder, and while I’ve broken through a lot of the stereotypes and can outwardly seem interested and engaging, it still affects my ability to be interested in others on any deeper level. I used to think I was just too proud and full of myself to place anyone else on a pedestal, but it turns out I just don’t experience the same emotions and social connections that other humans do. It’s actually one of the reasons I rarely buy band shirts and prefer other forms of merch – the idea of wearing someone else’s name is too much of a connection for my psychology to handle. It’s weird and illogical, but it’s a thing my brain hasn’t gotten over yet. I also printed way too many of my own shirts so… I’m completely out of space these days anyway! But to get back to the point, since I don’t really have any heroes, I’ve never actually looked into anyone else’s lives closely enough to be able to pick someone to even theoretically swap with.
Reuel
If you were walking one day on one of Sydney’s beautiful beaches and found a magic lamp with a genie that granted you three wishes, what would your three wishes be?
Mariko
Haha hopefully I’ll be on that beach with a tonne of sun protection! Everything in Australia wants to kill you, including the sky! Are there any rules about what this genie can do? Because if not, my wishes would be: 1) to finally have a happy life, 2) to somehow fix the world so everyone else can have a happy life but without taking away their free will or any other horrible unintended consequences like accidentally making all of humanity disappear or something, and 3) more wishes!! Although maybe the genie shouldn’t give me that because the “Destroyer” part of “DestroyerMariko” should never have access to that sort of power…
Reuel
I think genius always have this “you can’t wish for more wishes” rule, but we’ll let this slide XD How do you see the representation of women in heavy music today, and what more can be done to promote inclusivity and support for female musicians?
Mariko
I think it’s gotten a lot better than when I started out! Especially in more extreme genres. Way back when I first heard Arch Enemy’s Angela Gossow scream, that was such a mind-blowing thing, and it took me until then to realise my voice could do so much more than just sing in a nice little Catholic schoolgirl voice. These days, there are so many more women pushing the boundaries of what our vocal anatomy can do, and I’m no longer the only girl in my local scene making those sorts of noises. Things have come a long way, and it’s no longer such a niche or novelty thing in heavy music.
That said, I’ve still come across obstacles, and I’m sure other female musicians have too. In my case, the hardest thing has been to find a new band that’s willing to take a chance on the weirdness of my voice. A lot of the core guys in particular just want to sound like their favourite band and have the same sorts of male voices with the rock cleans and fry screams combo, whereas I tend towards semi-classical cleans and false cord death growls which have a much more jarring contrast than they’re used to. I’ve had my time wasted by a lot of groups who’d already heard my past work, but asked me to write sample lyrics for their tracks anyway, and then disappeared because my sound is so different as if I didn’t already give them the heads up on that. I actually have more respect for the guys who reject me upfront, it’s okay to have a creative vision and to not stuff me around in a misguided attempt to try to be nice to me. But I do wish more groups were willing to try something different. Why follow a trend when you can start one instead?
As for other areas of heavy music, I already see a lot of my fellow women in music banding together to put on women-centred shows, which I think is a great way to keep things moving. Shout out to Des of Wicked Envy and Lauren of Aurateque, and I’m sure I’m forgetting others but definitely check them out if you want some local Sydney girls rocking it out!
Other than that, I’m not entirely sure. I’m actually a bit vague about exactly where things are at these days. I’ve never been too keen on big shows, I prefer local gigs where the crowds are smaller and the musicians aren’t so far away. But I also haven’t been to as many in the past few years, first because of the flare up in my mental illness, and then last year dealing with the chaos of a new puppy! I’m also at that point where I just can’t handle even some of the local crowds. Metal crowds are usually pretty good, but core crowds are always a bit of a gamble, since there’s usually at least one dick who thinks it’s sensible to start flailing around and bashing into everyone in a tiny venue where a small female like me can’t find anywhere to move out of the way to keep myself safe while still enjoying the bands. I’d actually go to more core shows if that weren’t an issue, so maybe that’s another thing that could do with change – if dudes like that could just be more aware and considerate of the space they’re in, maybe more chicks would actually turn up to shows. I came to watch the band, not your errant fist coming at my face. I have a black belt in taekwondo so I’ve learned theoretically how to block that sorta thing, but let’s be real – I’m better off just removing my tiny self from the situation! Not all women have this same concern as me, but I’m definitely not the only one, and more of us attending shows is good for everyone, keeping the scene thriving, and actually it’s good for supporting all musicians, not just us females!
Reuel
Thank you for your time and this interview! Is there anything you’d like to add before we wrap up?
Mariko
Is this the part where I shill my stuff? I think I’ve rambled enough haha. I’ll leave you with some links to my current and past music projects, and my socials where people can follow the chaos that is me if they dare. I wouldn’t actually recommend my YouTube channel though. Yeah there are those metal covers, but the bulk of my channel is such a mess, which absolutely reflects the state of me… then again, if you made it to the end of this interview (assuming it hasn’t been heavily edited haha), maybe you’re into that? :O
